Everyone tells you “shouldn’t” worry about what other people think of you. They make it sound as if it’s bad to do so – that you’re being egotistical, insecure, or even manipulative if you do. But whether you admit it publicly or not, you still do it – at least a little. And why not?!
Virtually everyone is concerned from time to time about how others evaluate them. It’s only natural since the impressions you make determine whether others are attracted to you or not. Your self-presentation influences the friends you make, the people you date, and the jobs you’re offered. It’s not an inconsequential thing.
In fact, having a concern about the impression your make on others is really healthy and adaptive. Just imagine what it would be like if you didn’t care how others perceived and evaluated you.
What sorts of bizarre and/or socially unacceptable things might you do? Wear Saran wrap to work? Have a “happy face” tattooed on your bottom so you can moon your boss at a board meeting? Eat spaghetti in a restaurant with your hands? Eschew the use of soap in any form? Who can say.
What generally prevents you from doing many of these non-normative things is your fear of the negative reactions of friends, lovers, and bosses. It’s the risk of rejection and ostracism that prompts you to monitor how you present yourself.
But saying that concern about evaluation is normal is not to say, however, that you cannot be too concerned about it. Of course, you can. Indeed, those who experience transient instances of social anxiety (as well as those who suffer from the more intense and persistent social phobia), for example, agonize over the mere possibility of evaluation and its implications.
According to social psychologist Mark Leary, what makes social situations so anxiety-provoking for these individuals is that they are *motivated* to make the desired impression (whatever that may be) but *doubt* they will be successful in doing so. Any social situation which increases their motivation to create a desired impression tends to result in anxiety. Any social situation which increases their lack of self-confidence tends to result in anxiety.
When social situations simultaneously create motivation (approach) and doubt (avoidance), the anxiety effects are likely to be overwhelming. Thus, if they weren’t so motivated to make the desired impression, they wouldn’t feel anxious. If they didn’t doubt they’d succeed, they wouldn’t feel anxious. Increased public self-consciousness in conjunction with pessimism leaves them not only unable to accurately assess their circumstances but also confident that their failure is guaranteed.
The ideal is to be just concerned enough to accomplish what you want but not so concerned that it interferes with your getting it.