So if you’re motivated to influence how others perceive you, what sorts of things should you DO? For example,

– Make sure you know (ask if you have to) and follow the norms for the particular social setting and the role you occupy in it. Situations and roles have assigned behaviors and expectations attached. Not meeting them, like laughing at a funeral, will likely get you labeled as a “rebel” or “deviant.”

– Abide by what’s considered polite and socially appropriate in public. Scratching your crotch, sticking your finger up your nose, or belching “Jingle Bells” isn’t likely to put you on anyone’s “A” list.

– Make eye contact and smile. Assume a pleasant, positive attitude.

– Present yourself positively and confidently but with a touch of modesty to keep yourself from sounding like a braggart or show-off.

– Find ways to show your similarity to the other person because this enhances your attractiveness.

– Get people to talk about themselves and use what they say as a springboard for conversational threads.

– Don’t fabricate your self-presentation because it’s hard to recover from being caught in deceit

Remember: Your self-presentation is providing information about you to others to both help define the situation and enable them to know in advance what to expect of you. In return, they present similar information to you for the same purpose. It’s the “dance of the social animal.” You’re both trying to create and manage your individual desired impressions which hopefully will be mutually beneficial.

Have you ever noticed that sometimes when you’re talking with someone, they seem to get frustrated with what you’re saying or how you’re saying it? Saying to you such things as, “Yeah, but what does that mean in the big picture?” Or “How are you going to get there?”

How you think and talk about problems is increasingly becoming significant, particularly in the work world. This is, in part, because how you “prefer to think” is now believed to determine how you’ll handle assigned tasks, what you’ll learn and how you’ll learn it, and with whom you’ll work well.

Companies such as Polaroid, IBM, Bank of Boston, and Shell Oil have looked into how their employees approach, describe, and process information in order to solve problems in the office.

What’s your “preferred thinking style”? How can knowing it help you? In the 80s and 90s organizational development began looking at “whole-brain thinking.” This approach suggested that each of us has a thinking style which results from our brain dominance – that is, the cerebral hemisphere which takes the lead in our cognition.

Research has shown the left hemisphere (or “left brain”) primarily processes verbal, logical, quantitative, and analytical thinking whereas the right hemisphere (“right brain”) primarily addresses visual, spatial, creative, and holistic thinking. Some experts argue, based on these studies, that brain dominance affects personality.

In other words, they believe that if you’re predominantly left-brained, your processes are manifested as statements oriented toward logical reasoning, sequences, facts, and conceptual structures. Thus, left-brains would be more likely to become engineers, accountants, lawyers, or supervisors.

If you’re right-brained, your statements would be expected to reflect orientation toward people, feelings, experiences, patterns and relations. Right-brains would then be expected to become artists, salespeople, social workers, and entrepreneurs. However, it’s important to note that no one with an intact and healthy brain is thought to use one hemisphere exclusively for thinking.

The reason different patterns of brain dominance are considered important by researchers, such as Ned Herrmann of Applied Creative Services, Lake Lure, NC, is that they tend to lead to different skills, different career choices, different modes of thought, and different styles of communication.

But what is this really showing you? Do thinking preferences represent skills, intelligence, or level of competence? No! They are the pathways by which you are predisposed, perhaps genetically and socially, to solve problems.

Thinking styles are important because collaboration and communication can be difficult if thinking differences are not acknowledged and addressed. – as when I’m talking in straight lines and you’re talking in spirals.

Lest you think one style is better than the other, the whole-brain approach strongly supports the notion that both left-brain and right-brain thinking styles are equally valid and valuable. Both need to be cultivated at all levels of an organization.

In fact, research at the Harvard Business School has demonstrated that the higher up you go in the organization, the more important it is to combine right-brain intuition with left-brain rationality.

Effective managers, for example, use intuition during all phases of the problem-solving process. They combine a gut feeling that points them in a given direction with systematic analysis, quantified data, and thoughtfulness. They also tend to value thinking differences in themselves and others.

Your preferred thinking style affects your perception of the best way to communicate and collaborate. It suggests the words you use and the sequence in which you use them. How you communicate can cause people to move toward you or away from you.

For example, if you talk to right-brains about details, numbers, facts, and sequences, they’ll tend to turn off, experience actual physiological stress, and want to shout, “What are you doing?” If, on the other hand, you present left-brains with pictures, metaphors, and analogies, they’ll feel like hopping up and down, screaming, “How are you going to do it?”

Knowing that you and others have disparate thinking styles can lead to a recognition and appreciation of different cognitive frameworks, which, in turn, can lead to greater sensitivity, understanding, and tolerance. One size and style definitely does not fit all!

Instead, the two styles working together produce a synergy, increasing the overall effectiveness more than either one alone. By generating awareness of thinking styles and valuing those differences, the whole-brain approach both allows and fosters creativity. For companies this can be helpful for hiring, firing, promoting, assigning tasks, and building teams.

You can discover your own thinking style. You can discover your own thinking resources and potential. You can determine that power and potential in others. As a problem solver, you can feel freer to try new things. You can match people and tasks more effectively. And, you can see and break down communication barriers which inhibit productivity and work and life satisfaction by addressing the other person in the mode they find most understandable.

Try this quick quiz which is based on the Herrmann Brain Dominance Profile, a 120-item questionnaire, which shows you not only how you think but also how you like to think.

– Which work element do you prefer? A. Brainstorming B. Planning
– What word best describes your interest in things? A. What? B. How?
– What word best describes you? A. Creative B. Analytical
– Which hobby do prefer? A. Gardening B. Home improvements
– Which statement applies to you more? A. “I rely on hunches and the feeling of ‘rightness’ or ‘wrongness’ when working on a problem’s solution.” B. “I dislike things being uncertain and unpredictable.”

Three or more “A”s means you tend to be more right-brained, preferring feelings, relationships, and qualitative information. Three of more “B”s means you tend to be more left-brained, preferring logic, sequences, and quantitative information. Now see if you can figure out what other people might be and how best to communicate with their preferred thinking style.

Whether you like using the phone or not, there are times when the phone is not your friend. One such time is when a job interviewer calls and wants to interview you over the phone. Run, don’t walk, from this situation.

Generally we think of a job interview as a face-to-face interaction with a company’s hiring decision maker. But sometimes unbeknownst to us we’re expected to respond on the spur of the moment to a disembodied voice on the telephone. While they may be “convenient” for companies, telephone interviews aren’t beneficial to anyone, but especially you.

First, you don’t have the opportunity to create that important first impression. No one’s going to see your dazzling smile, freshly polished shoes, beautifully-styled hair, confident walk, or dress-for-success outfit. No one will feel your firm handshake.

By the same token, you won’t be able to assess the interviewer and how you’re being received. You won’t be able to monitor the full range of nonverbal behaviors to tell you what the interviewer is really saying and adapt to its nuances. You won’t know to correct subtle misperceptions.

But perhaps more importantly, telephone interviews frequently don’t allow you to prepare yourself. This alone can create situational and free-floating anxiety. But if you’re telephonophobic, socially anxious, or just plain uncomfortable presenting yourself on the phone where your life hangs on whatever rolls trippingly off your tongue, then your anxiety can turn into paralysis…and seal your doom, leaving you looking as if you have delusions of adequacy.

Like many job hunters, I have experienced the telephone interview disaster. The interviewer hadn’t designated a specific time. I was caught off guard when the phone rang and it was the interviewer. All I could think was, “Huh? Ad? Which ad was that?” And the harder I thought, the worse things got.

Even when the caller described the position to me, it was only vaguely familiar because I’d recently applied to at least a dozen positions. I was still frantically pawing through my papers as the caller began the interview. But trying to read and listen at the same time only made things worse.

The anonymous caller was the one in control. He had defined the situation, determined when he would call, what he would ask, and how I would be able to respond. I felt compelled to blindly follow his lead – even to my own destruction. Imagine what would happen if you called Robin Williams, Steve Martin, or Dave Chappelle at 3 a.m., waking them, saying, “You claim to be funny. Okay, go ahead and prove it.” They can’t and you can’t either.

To prevent a recurrence I mapped out a game plan for myself. If I couldn’t have a scheduled in-office interview, I had to have a scheduled phone interview. If possible, I wanted to call them to give yourself a psychological edge. I posted a copy of my script over my desk and by the phones.

To prepare for the interview

– Know that you as a job seeker are going to have to carry the ball for 80 per cent of the interview
– Know what questions are likely to be asked and have your answers ready
– Have vignettes ready that show what you’ve accomplished and the results
– Know the company and job and ask carefully-targeted questions
– Have all your materials ready and on-hand, preferably in notes or keyword format so you don’t have to do a lot of reading to find what you want
– Sound friendly, courteous, and professional
– Follow up the call with a thank-you/summarization note, emphasizing your match with the position and the benefits you’ll bring to the company

When the phone isn’t your friend, you can at least keep it from becoming your enemy

As she gestured expansively, long wisps of blonde hair played around her tanned face. Julie Kurlan appeared to glow with vitality. Her blue eyes shone. “I realize now more than I did in the beginning that I’m in the one percentile and there’s a reason for it,” said the 51-year-old mother of three and part-time web designer. “When you’re dealt a hand like cancer, there are only two ways you can go: Positively or negatively.”

Sitting on her overstuffed living room couch, she leaned forward, rested her hands on her knees, and became more serious for a moment. “If you act as though you’re going to die, that’s the story you write for yourself. If you make the disease the end-all and be-all of your life, it’s like having a recurrence of it. You’re living it. You’re the one in charge of your body and mind. You’re the author of your story,” she said.

“Instinctively I knew I had to surround myself with positive people, my family and friends,” Kurlan continued. “So I laid down the ground rules. ‘If you cry, you don’t help me.’ So if friends cried, they cried at home. I set the tone and they followed my lead.”

The corners of her eyes crinkled again. She smiled broadly and fell back against the thick cushions. It was with this determination, openness, and life-affirming energy, said Kurlan, that she dealt with her own breast cancer two years ago.

What did Kurlan learn going through surgery, breast reconstruction, aggressive chemotherapy, and hair loss? “The stresses in life? Forget them. You don’t need to get upset when someone cuts in front of you in traffic. And why not enjoy a rainy day. You can do what you thought you couldn’t. You have to.”

“You’d be surprised at some of the changes that came with this new perspective. My communication skills have actually improved. If I was a good listener before, I’m twice as good now. I really hear every little word. Also I’m more open. I’ve encouraged people to ask questions. I did such a good job that people don’t think of me as having had cancer.”

One of the biggest changes Kurlan has noted as a result of this process is being on a different level of thinking. “Now,” she said, “I would never think of postponing something until tomorrow. I was a champion procrastinator and squandered time. Now if I want to say something to my 22-year-old daughter, Sara, I say it. I don’t wait for the ‘right’ time, whatever that is. I think everyone who’s had cancer wants to get more intensely involved with life. There’s definitely a greater sensitivity to time and people. For me there’s also greater patience.”

Kurlan believes that whatever awareness you had before is heightened. Suddenly you’re more focused, particularly outside yourself. “Maybe,” she said, “that’s what allows you to eliminate all those small stresses. While coping with life and all its problems, especially cancer, is difficult, I’ve found, surprisingly, that it’s not as difficult as one may think.”

With an impish glint in her eye, she leaned forward again. “Look,” she said, “I’m here. I feel fine. I look fine.” Then she tossed her wheat-colored mane and laughed ebulliently. “And, I’m having a ball! How many others, with or without cancer, can say that.”

Imagine yourself dealing with the following situation: VanCleef Cosmetics has become one of the great business success stories of all time. Teetering on the brink of bankruptcy a mere three years ago, the company regained solid ground in one year, and since has pushed sales to $100 million.

VanCleef’s new CEO, Estee Rubinstein, pulled off this coup on the strength of a revolutionary new VanCleef product, “24K Glow” – high-priced, gold-infused liquid makeup designed to give the wearer the “look of elegant wealth.” “24K Glow” captured 38 per cent of the market.

That was until television’s hottest game-show personality, Vanna Gonn, awoke one morning to find her face splotched with green. The following day Gonn’s lawyer filed a $100 million suit against VanCleef, claiming the gold in her face makeup had reacted with her body chemistry and permanently dyed her skin, ruining her career.

As a problem solver brought in by VanCleef, what would you advise? Tell the National Inquirer that Vanna was abducted by extraterrestrials? Ignore Vanna, suggesting to the press that anyone who turns letters for a living is suspect?

Problems, problems, problems. We’re constantly bombarded by them. How do we deal with them? Unfortunately our natural tendency is to grab hold of the first thing that comes to mind and run with it. This is especially true if we feel less confidence in our judgment and decision making abilities.

The disadvantage of that approach is that our first thought is frequently a way we believe we can quickly dispose of the problem. It isn’t necessarily the best or even a good path. Good problem solving means generating many ideas and paths and selecting the best fit for the situation at hand.

But before we can generate ideas, we have to understand what the problem really is. We have to identify it, define it, and assess it. What is the core of the problem – that is, what makes it a problem? What factors are involved and must be addressed in reaching a solution? Who has responsibility for solving the problem? What resources are needed in order to solve it? We also have to commit ourselves to solving the problem.

Generating the list of alternatives is the most enjoyable part of the exercise because it allows us to let our imaginations run free. “What if this?” or “How about that?” It’s important that as we crank out these possible solutions we don’t judge them. Evaluation at this point, being told (by ourselves or others) “that’s a dumb idea” slows or stops the creative juices altogether.

It’s hard enough giving ourselves permission to be creative in the first place. There’s plenty of time for evaluating the alternative on its merits later. Now is the time to produce as many as possible to be evaluated.

Some of the criteria for judging alternatives include:

– Being concrete and specific
– Being observable and measurable
– Being achievable
– Having an acceptable risk level
– Having a likelihood of success
– Having a positive gut-level reaction.

Deciding on a solution isn’t as easy as it sounds. Many people don’t want to commit to a single course of action because doing so excludes the other alternatives. “Well, gee, maybe the other one is really better and once I decide I can’t go back.” This is a form of risk and many of us hate taking risks, no matter how small. Decision making is nothing if it’s not taking risks.

Decisions mean implementation and implementation means having a timeline in which to do it or procrastination may set in. Unfortunately, even as far as we’ve come, the process isn’t over yet.

Now we need to set it in motion and monitor what happens. Monitoring means actually observing, recording, measuring, and analyzing the outcomes of the decision action. Then it requires evaluating the problem’s solution over time to see if it really is working.

Using this problem solving process, how would YOU handle the Vanna Gonn situation if you were VanCleef’s PR person or lawyer?

Ah, the new year. This is the time when everything gets a facelift and your juices are rejuvenated. You’re starting afresh: Work. School. Relationships. New tasks. Old tasks. But everything has its own pressing schedule and priority.

The new year is the time for organizing. According to Christopher Robin in Winnie the Pooh, “Organizing is what you do before you do something so that when you do it, it’s not all mixed up.” Sounds simple enough, so what’s the big deal?

As you dust off your goals and set up your deadlines, time enters the “Twilight Zone” and begins to shrink and compress. It is said, though I personally doubt it, that everyone has the same amount of time: 365 days a year, 24 hours a day, and 60 minutes an hour. Yet suddenly you feel as if you’re hurtling toward a black hole. Everything is making its demands on your ever-diminishing time, taking more time than is available.

The pressure is on. Your time has become more precious than Beanie Babies. Smacking you in the face is the harsh reality that if you are to achieve your work and personal goals, you’re going to have either alter the space-time continuum as we know it or become more adept at structuring the time you have.

Structuring means using available resources well. It means producing the desired outcome. It means becoming both effective and efficient. The good news is that time management can be learned. The bad news is that most don’t learn it in their youth and have to struggle with habituating to it in their “less-malleable” adult years. Fortunately the process is pretty straightforward. It involves first determining what you believe needs to be done today. This is your daily “To Do” list.

To do this you make a list of the tasks demanding to be done then rank them: What needs to be done first? Second? What can wait? What can be done by someone else? What can be eliminated because it really doesn’t need to be done?

Once you have the tasks in mind, you have to map out your strategy on paper. The paper part is important. Trying to hold it all in your head allows you to play avoidance games. You “misremember” what needs to be done and when or “inadvertently” forget it altogether.

Your plan will determine what you’re going to do and when. This requires that you assess how much time each item will likely take. Maybe it takes an hour standing in front of the television ironing your clothes but how much to do a report for school or work?

Your “To Do” list should contain no more than 8-10 items which are prioritized by both their level of difficulty and disagreeability. Always do the hardest first. This a psychological ploy to get it out of the way immediately so you can’t waste your time and energy anticipating and dreading it. Furthermore, you won’t procrastinate, looking for ways to keep from doing it, once it’s out of the way.

Also you need to build rewards into your list, large and small things you enjoy doing, and give yourself a treat after you complete a task. The larger or harder the task, the larger the reward.

Another part of time management is ridding yourself of time wasters and interrupters. It’s easy to procrastinate. As C. Northcote Parkinson notes in his book Parkinson’s Law, “Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.”

If you give yourself a day to finish the task, that’s how long it will take. If you allow people to visit or call, if you listen to the radio or watch TV, these interrupters significantly cut down your efficiency.

But the single biggest obstacle to managing your time is perfectionism. Everyone has a standard of perfection lurking in the inner recesses of her/his brain—in your imagination. It’s an unrealistic standard of excellence you believe you “should” achieve. But you can’t achieve it.So you need to determine what will do the job satisfactorily and be “good enough” and do it. It’s important to remember, however, “good enough” doesn’t have to mean mediocrity, only realistic achievement.

The letter read: “Dear Dr. D: Tis the season to be jolly but I’ve got the fa la la la la la la-la blahs. As the holidays draw near, my mood turns to indigo. Amber lights festoon the town’s trees and my eyes glaze over. Strains of ‘Joy to the World’ catch on the breeze and I swallow hard.

Consumers with long lists are scurrying from store to store, laden with packages, and my stomach knots. I feel awful and don’t know why. Why am I the only one who feels this way?” Signed, “I’m Dreaming of a Blue Christmas.”

Everywhere you can hear the tinkle of tinseled, tinny prescriptions of “glad tidings,” “peace on earth,” and “good will to all humankind” as the media and advertisers celebrate the season’s “perfect warmth, harmony, and happiness.” People wear holiday expectations on their sleeves while depression and loneliness run rampant.

Why, when we’re supposed to feel our happiest and most hopeful, do we often feel so low, dispirited, and hopeless?

Partly these blues are due to the day’s shorter duration. With less daylight the pineal gland in our brain produces increased amounts of melatonin, a hormone related to the neurotransmitter serotonin. Too little serotonin can depress our mood. The secretion of melatonin is at its highest levels in the winter – around the holidays.

Mostly, however, the holiday blues are due to our great expectations of how holidays “should” be planned and spent and with whom. Expectations that we generate the “right feelings” and that this season “should” bring us “joy.” We also fall prey to other people’s expectations that we’ll demonstrate all the “appropriate” holiday behaviors.

Expectations raised this high are rarely met. The problem boils down to “shoulds” – what we should do and what we should feel at this time of year. We unconsciously (some of us consciously) live in fear of transgressing them.

It is almost as it we believe that these expectations are inscribed on stone tablets and failure to adhere strictly to them is punishable by copious helpings of guilt with our eggnog.

What we often don’t realize is that most of these tradition-bound expectations don’t represent reality. Instead they represent some idealized and generally unattainable state of mind. As a result, when we don’t experience the expected emotional high, we feel bad. We feel like a failure: The only one not partaking in the holiday spirit and benefits. Everyone else is not attaining this seasonal “nirvana.”

Making matters worse, our remembrance of holidays past adds a note of wistfulness. While we yearn to recapture the good feelings, we once again agonize over the guilts, the losses, the emptiness, and we start the grieving process anew. This year is nearly gone and with it the opportunity to right past wrongs. Add to that the everyday reality of stress and conflicts which don’t stop for the holidays.

While we may have some success altering our body’s response to this time of the year by eating fewer carbohydrates and getting more exercise, what we really need to do is concentrate on ichanging our attitudes and expectations and learning ways to cope better.

First, we need to stop thinking so rigidly about the holidays. There is no “right” way to celebrate the season. Second, we can choose not to accept other people’s expectations for us or the season. Because they expect or believe something doesn’t make it so or right for us. We have to determine for ourselves what we need and want. We need to ask ourselves:

– What do I want this season to represent or mean to me?
– How do I want to feel
– What can I actively do to make the holidays be more of what I want?

Our reality is how we choose to define it. We can do that positively or negatively. We can refuse to continue to agonize over past actions, thoughts, and situations if we have no control over them. Our dredging them up for an encore is going to accomplish nothing but make us feel even worse. We need to derive whatever benefit or lesson from it and move on.

We can counter our loneliness by working to be with others, finding ways to participate, volunteering, helping others, and giving of ourselves. When we reach out to someone else, we extricate ourselves, at least momentarily, from our sad inner focus.

We can soften our sense of loss, which we feel so keenly at this time of year, by not allowing ourselves to dwell on the void and what used to be. Instead we can remember the good times, that we have wonderful memories that will always be with us, and look for ways to enhance that positive feeling.

Finally, we can give ourselves permission to be individuals and enjoy the season in any way we choose: To share, appreciate, and be thankful for whatever we have. We can allow ourselves to ignore the media hype, crass commercialism, and demands of family and friends.

We can allow ourselves to harken back that sense of wonderment we experienced as that first-holiday child, taking in the sights, sounds, smells, and touch and acting spontaneously on them. While we may not create that elusive and illusory “perfect happiness,” we can, at least, turn that holiday mood from blue to pink.

It was 6:05 a.m. on August 19th, a mere 57 degrees as the sun insinuated itself between the slats of the Venetian blinds in our bedroom on the second floor, where I was standing in the buff. I was about to dress to drive my husband to his carpool pickup point when I heard an explosive roar on Avon Road below.

Our cat Ratpacks, who had just settled his black fur on the sill of the open window, levitated himself, spread-eagle, and vanished. It was a sound like hundreds of gallons of water under pressure gushing from a water main

I raced to the vacated window and scanned the street, sure of an imminent flood. But there was nothing. No utility truck and definitely no water. As I quizzically widened my search, my peripheral vision caught something, forcing me to look up.

“O my God!” I exclaimed, struggling to keep my voice low in the dawn stillness. “Bob, Bob,” I rasped, “come here. Hurry, hurry!”

I ran half-way to the bathroom door and back to the window, like Lassie doing her signature dance of life-saving urgency: “What is it, girl? Is it Timmy? Is he in trouble?” Bob emerged, towel-wrapped, partially-shaven, still holding a soapy razor in his hand.

“Look, look,” I commanded, jumping up and down, all body parts leaping at different rates, pointing out the window.

“Where?”

“To the left. Look up.”

There, gliding south along Avon Road itself just even with the tops of the trees lining the street, was a hot air balloon with two people, almost close enough to touch, in the gondola. The vertical panels of red, blue, green, and yellow fabric glowed in the cool sunlight. Past houses 50, 47, 43, 39. Whoosh. Past 37, 35. Whoosh again. The balloon began to rise, a final whoosh, gaining height and clearing tree spires.

I craned my neck and pressed my face against the screen to follow its course. I wanted to throw open the screen and lean out, but propriety prevailed. In what seemed like an instant it was gone. Bob and I looked at one another, beaming, and shaking our heads in amazement.

“That was great!”

“I wish I’d had the camera handy.”

He hurried back to finish shaving while I reassured Ratpacks, now hunkered down in the closet, that the sky was not falling. His widely flattened ears told me he wasn’t buying anything I was selling so I finally dressed. As Bob and I drove towards his carpool, we cast our eyes about the crystalline sky, hoping for one last vestige…but there was nothing.

Aloud we wondered how many times the balloon had been by before our notice, drifting majestically over us, whooshless, undetected, and how many other buoyant spectacles we might have missed because we simply hadn’t looked up from our daily routine.

There are so many things happening around us all the time of which we are largely unaware. Our inattentiveness to them may be due to our feeling introspective, inadequate, or generally overwhelmed by all that is going on around us. When we narrow our focus on ourselves, we may literally and figuratively keep our eyes and minds glued to the ground. That is, we are often likely to miss the many gateways to opportunities which float by.

Opportunities are the favorable coming together of circumstances. But opportunities won’t exist for us unless we look up and are aware of our total environment, not just the path ahead of us. And they won’t exist for us unless we’re prepared to take advantage of them when they occur. Like the hot air balloon, they wait for no one.